WLTM hopeless and selfish family

I do love those emails that arrive from very rich people living abroad who are anxious to transfer a portion of their huge wealth to me. I’m full of admiration for their creative background stories and charmed by their idiosyncratic use of the English language. And naturally I’m flattered that I’m the chosen one.

Sadly, I don’t seem to get as many of these as I used to – Nigerian princes and Egyptian diplomats are no longer beating a path to my door. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but fortunately the world’s wealthy haven’t abandoned me entirely: I have just been contacted by a rich Portuguese businessman, Connell Alonzo by name, anxious to share his life story and potentially a lot of money with me. It’s a sorry tale that should serve as a lesson to us all.

The story begins: “Unfortunately I am from Portugal, I was diagnosed with cancer and this has contaminated all forms of medical treatment.” He goes on to confess that he’s spent his whole life in the rampant pursuit of wealth, but now, as the end of his life draws near, he sees the error of his ways and wants to distribute his money to the needy. This is where I come in. He seeks to establish a Personal and Trustful Relationship with me so that I can distribute the money to the poor and homeless, as I think appropriate. Naturally, I was the person who sprang to mind. Who better?

I know what you’re thinking, but his next sentence convinced me that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship: “I’m going to send you pictures of myself and my hopeless and selfish family, including my wife who I learned is married to my personal friend and lawyer.” Well. Who could resist that? I don’t think I’m that keen on seeing pictures of him – he’s probably quite gaunt and wan-looking by now – but his hopeless and selfish family I would love to see. I bet they’re all decked out in designer gear, dripping in jewels and posing in front of Porsches. I do hope so. And I wonder how many there are. Do you think it’s just his bigamous wife and disappointing children (with the traitorous lawyer smirking in the background) or are there countless hopeless and selfish great aunts, nieces, brothers, third cousins, uncles and grandchildren all jostling for position?

I’m very tempted. Not by the money – I’d just divide that between a homeless charity and a children’s education fund – it’s the family that intrigues me.  I’d love to meet such a fascinating bunch, although I’d tell them to leave the smirking lawyer at home. I’m going to email Connell Alonzo right now and tell him I’m in.