The Happiness Manifesto

Long long ago in those far-off days when pandemics were confined to the big screen, David Cameron announced that Britain’s progress should be measured not just by financial growth, but also by the nation’s happiness, which is quite a brave statement from a Conservative Prime Minister. In 2010 he asked the Office of National Statistics to devise a way of measuring wellbeing and they do still issue reports, but whether they make any difference I have no idea. There’s also an organisation with the very awkward name of What Works Wellbeing – I dread to think how much a marketing company was paid to come up with that clunker – which describes itself as “an independent collaborating centre that develops and shares robust and accessible wellbeing evidence to improve decision-making.” I wonder.

I think it’s time for the Common Sense Committee to come to the rescue. This organisation is remarkably efficient because it has only one member and I can assure you that I have not been standing idly by – I have created my own Happiness Manifesto and I’m so pleased with it that I’m planning to offer it to our politicians for Christmas. Here it is:

1. All company phones must be answered by an actual person. Menus and recorded messages are forbidden. If it is absolutely necessary to put you on hold, all tinny versions of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons must be replaced by David Attenborough’s commentary from The Mating Game.
2. Our internet overlords must be required to delete all anonymous, abusive and crackpot accounts from Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. And pay some tax.
3. There should be a ticket inspector/conductor on every train. People would feel safer, young people wouldn’t be allowed to put their grubby feet on the seats and those who need extra assistance would get it.
4. All those billionaires who insist on sending rockets into space should be encouraged to take a suitcase with them next time they go and stay there longer. Much longer.
5. We should set up a pet visiting programme so that animals who are longing for company during the day could go and spend time with pet lovers at their homes. Maybe a sort of pet day-care? Our cat gets very lonely when we’re not around and would welcome the opportunity to go and visit someone else who would take on the job of overindulging him when we’re not available.
6. I have to confess that I know nothing about cars or electronics, but I really think that cars could do with fewer computer-y things in them. Our car recently went in for a service and on the way home we discovered that the volume switch on the radio no longer worked and by the next morning the car wouldn’t start at all. I long for my old Ford Focus, which didn’t have a fancy screen with endless options, but it did have an actual handbrake, a simple switch for the lights and a radio that worked. It also started every time.
7. Continuing with the above theme, I think we’d all be happier with less choice. The shortage of truck drivers and worldwide distribution problems is going a long way towards achieving this one and I’m all in favour. No one needs Christmas Tree flavoured crisps.

All contributions and suggestions for the Happiness Manifesto are very welcome and the final document will be submitted by the Common Sense Committee to the appropriate person. I think the Queen would be pretty receptive.