I think by now I must have accumulated great stores of wisdom and that young people should be gathering around my chair clamouring to hear my piercing insights into life, my shrewd observations about… well, anything and everything. I have noticed, however, that the only gathering going on around my chair is in the form of a ginger cat looking for his supper. Surely it can’t be that I have no wisdom to share? Perhaps people just don’t realise how much I have to offer. I know I’m not exactly the Buddha (not nearly zen enough), but I must have learned something useful in my life?
- I have learned that watching television in the daytime (with the possible exception of tennis during Wimbledon) is the top of a very slippery slope. Before you know it you’ll be living vicariously through talk-show hosts, celebrities you’ve never heard of, game-show contestants and chefs cooking dubious-looking food in fabulous places that are literally and figuratively miles away from your sofa. On the upside, you might be inspired to cook a dubious meal or see the world. Or maybe neither.
- Gardening is just like doing housework outside and to be avoided at all costs. Gardens are very beautiful, so spend your time in other people’s wherever possible.
- Try not to get on people’s nerves. Maybe by not spending too much time in their gardens.
- Gloria Steinem says that we don’t learn while we’re talking. I suppose you might well discover more about yourself and your opinions through talking (I guess that’s what therapy’s for), but I’ve lived with myself for over 60 years and I’m bored of that subject now and ready to move on to others. Quantum physics springs to mind. But I’m sure even Gloria would acknowledge that talking is quite fun and we don’t need to learn all the time. Quantum physics will just have to wait.
- The first gin and tonic is sublime, the second is very nice and the third is pointless. Only those with superhuman self-control can stop at two.
- Make your bed every morning. It’s so much nicer to get into at night. Speaking of which, don’t watch the 10 o’clock news: bedtime stories of death, destruction and downright villainy don’t do anyone any good and will give you nightmares. Result: a restless night and a messy bed to sort out in the morning.
- Don’t wear high heels or shoes with pointy toes – it’s not that far removed from foot binding.
- I am convinced that people who are merely thinking roll their eyes up to the left, while those who are lying look up to the right. I have no evidence for this whatsoever.
- People don’t really change, they just become more of who they are and by the time you’re 50, you’ve pretty much turned into a caricature of yourself, which isn’t all bad. Caricatures can be great fun.
I’m beginning to understand why I don’t have eager acolytes queuing at the door, so I’ll leave the last word to Billy Connolly: “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”
As I am nowhere near your chair to gather round, perhaps I could tap into your wisdom here instead. Regarding watching the Tour de France live during the day (and falling asleep at least twice, not through boredom but the sheer summertime bliss of it); is that part of the slippery slope you refer to?
Love the Billy Connolly quote. We don’t have a tea cosy, so I’ll never know if I possess an innate trustworthiness.
Definitely. I might even go further than Billy Connolly and say that I wouldn’t trust anyone who lived in a house without a tea cosy in it! You’re not alone, I might add. There’s a definite tea cosy dearth among our friends. It’s the main reason we’re moving.
I have a tea cosy! So now you have to stay 🥂🥂
I appreciate that you’re one of the trustworthy tea cosy owners, but I’m afraid you’re in the minority.
This is a particularly funny and wise piece . Who knew you had lost your trust in me as I don’t own a tea cosy. And by the way , does swinging your eyes upwards one way or the other to determine a thought process or a lie depend on whether you’re left or right handed … I think left handed people (for which I have no evidence) are by far the most trustworthy .
I hadn’t realised that you don’t have a tea cosy, but now that I know…
That’s an interesting point about left-handed people. Can you be right- and left-eyed too?!
I do have a tea cosy, in fact I have two, relics from the past, which hopefully means I’m in your good books. I don’t have any pointy shoes or serious high heels and definitely look to the left when thinking so reckon I’m doing ok in some areas – others, more variable?
You’re definitely ticking that tea cosy box! Who knew that tea cosies would generate so much discussion? Should I mention here that we also have coffee cosies?
I remember your astonished dismay when we told you we didn’t have a tea cosy. Your “you don’t have a tea cosy?!” was very reminiscent of Edith Evans’ “a handbag” – I’m afraid we didn’t go out and immediately buy one but by coincidence a friend had one surplus to requirements and gave it to us. 🤣🤣 So now you don’t need to move …
You were definitely in my mind when I wrote the tea cosy comment! I had no idea how much progress you’d made in that direction or in fact how much discussion tea cosies could generate.