If the cap fits…

I have to come clean right from the start: I love a silly hat. In fact, I’m a big fan of dressing up in general. I know that many people who open an invitation to a costume party suddenly find that their diary is very full, but I’m not one of them. Some of my happiest evenings have been spent dressed as Minnie Mouse or Cruella De Vil, although my children would probably have pointed out that I didn’t need a costume to channel that last one. So, naturally I was keen to go and see Joaquin Phoenix in Napoleon, his latest film. Costumes and silly hats galore – what could go wrong? Quite a bit, as it turned out.

For a start, films are simply too long, but I gather that this was edited down from 4 hours to 2½, so we should be grateful. Ninety minutes is the optimum movie length in my view, although I did forgive Barbie for being nearly two hours because it was so much fun. I also loved The Fabelmans and found that the 2½ hours just flew by, unlike Oppenheimer, which I thought would never end. I know that Woody Allen is much discredited these days, but I think he made some wonderful films, with the added bonus that they’re rarely longer than 90 minutes.

Back to the subject at hand: Joaquin Phoenix dressed as Napoleon. First of all, why is he constantly in uniform? Does he have no regular clothes at all? And those poor women who receive the dubious benefit of his attentions, surely all those buttons and medals would be most uncomfortable? Maybe Napoleon didn’t have any other clothes in his wardrobe, although I doubt he had the same problem as my father, who returned from peacekeeping duties at the end of WWII only to discover that his mother had sold all his clothes. And his bike as well, but that’s another story.

This all pales into insignificance next to his hats. Napoleon’s, not my father’s, who usually sported a discreet flat cap. Joaquin Phoenix, on the other hand, starts with a tricorn, quickly loses one corn and goes on to sport a bicorn, which sounds suspiciously like a mythical creature. The early bicorn was quite understated (if you consider sporting a large, black felt croissant on your head understated) compared with the later versions, which seemed to have sprouted propellers either side. Was he anticipating the arrival of the French Air force a century later? I was mesmerised by his headgear, which is just as well because the script is definitely lacking and some of the lines are hilarious. I’m not sure whether they were aiming for high comedy, but they certainly succeeded when Napoleon lashes out at the British: “You think you’re so great just because you have boats.”

Not to worry, order is finally restored when the Duke of Wellington appears, showing everyone that the proper way to wear a bicorn is front to back, as befits a British Field Marshal. Those who try to draw attention to themselves by wearing their hat from side to side risk being banished to the island of Saint Helena. A life lesson for us all.