Was it all a fever dream?

I was out of commission for a few days with the dreaded sick bug, but then I emerged to a miraculously new and improved world. Somehow in the very brief time I’d been gone we’d arrived at the sunlit uplands we have dreamed of for so long. I’d like to think that my welcome return to good health had something to do with it, but am forced to acknowledge that useful phrase “correlation does not imply causation.” So I decided not to take any credit, which is just as well, because by the next day it had all gone spectacularly wrong.

In brief, when I took to my bed, World War III was about to break out with a most unexpected grouping of allies, but when I emerged all appeared to be resolved and King Charles was very much looking forward to showing the American president around his charming home. The so-called special relationship between the US and the UK was flourishing once again! An interesting turn of events. It’s even more interesting if you consider that the term ‘sunlit uplands’ is usually associated with Winston Churchill’s ‘finest hour’ speech. He said: “If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands.” Everyone knew who he was talking about at the time, but the waters have muddied a bit since then.

So, not only had things appeared to improve on the world stage, but also in the domestic sphere. A well-known Californian duchess has most helpfully provided me with the perfect solution to my dislike of gardening and housework. Apparently, in her upcoming lifestyle programme “She and her guests roll up their sleeves in the kitchen, the garden, and beyond, and invite you to do the same.” This is obviously where I’ve been going wrong. Instead of greeting my guests with a drink and a salty snack, they should be handed a feather duster and a pair of secateurs and shown the cobwebby ceilings and the overgrown garden.

I should admit here that we do have an incredibly helpful friend who, frustrated by our useless dishwasher and its equally useless owners, restored it to perfect working order by taking it apart and cleaning it. I think I’m going to put her name forward to Netflix to be a guest on that lifestyle programme. She’d be a natural. In fact, I might suggest that the American president should be considered as well. I bet he’d be delighted to receive an invitation to do a touch of light weeding in Meghan’s garden and I have no doubt it would improve their frosty relationship no end.